Low at Best

This Sunday at church, we had someone teach a lesson in third hour about Depression. He spoke about the kind that is physical, the kind that the brain isn't getting the right amount of chemicals. Durring his lesson, he spoke about three chemicals that are extremely important to keeping us happy, Serotonin, Dopamine, and Norepinephrine. Any sort of imbalance of these can cause Depression.

He described Depression as the base line of your day being sad, or upset. Sometimes it's just one day, sometimes, it's weeks. And you can feel it. It's like one of our every lovely Monsoons, you can see it before it comes. When it hits, it hits hard.

I have been struggling this last month with the onset of a bout of Depression. I haven't had any problems with it since high school. I was diagnosed at the age of 10 with depression after telling my mom that I wanted to kill my self. I have been dealing with this burden for over 13 years. Some days are better than others, but I hardly ever have any consecutive good days. While in high school I was on medication and was also diagnosed as bi-polar. My Junior year, November of 2008, I was hospitalized for about a week for suicide watch. The week I spent isolated from my life was a very enlightening experience, but there were so many repercussions.

After spending a whole week, seeing no more than 20 people in a room at any point in time, adjusting back to life was hard. At school, in between classes, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of people. Not only was adjusting to large groups of people difficult, but that was not the hardest part. While in the hospital, I had regular appointments with the on duty Psychologist. Every once in a while, we would have a guest member of my life come in and we would talk, the three of us. The one I remember most, that plays in my head every day still, is the one where it was said, "My life would be perfect if it weren't for Erin."

High school was easily the worst years of my life. Not for the same usual reasons, but because of all the weight I carried for those four years. My grandfather, the best man I knew, passed away between my Freshman and Sophomore year. My Grandma passed away just about a month before I graduated. My cat of many years, who helped me through so much, passed the day I graduated. Not to mention struggling with feeling worthless while trying to maintain a good GPA, losing friends, and so on.

When I was diagnosed as Bi-polar, I was in denial. Thinking that only crazy people are bi-polar and that I was not crazy. A few weeks back I red an article about depression. In it it had a bit of history of the illness in it. It spoke about how "Manic Depression" was renamed to bi-polar. As I read, I started to learn that Bi-polar is not where you have split personalities and are jumping back and forth. What it really is is when you can go from feeling on top of a mountain, to feeling like you need to be in a hole in just a matter of moments. So, being Bi-polar just means I am a very emotional person.

With this being said, it takes a lot of patience to love me. I am very grateful to be blessed with a choice few who have the patience and understanding to give me the love and time that I need. I am so very blessed to have a fiance who is extremely patient with me, and luckily for me, is as stubborn as I am. Several of those who I hold close to me understand what it feels like, and are able to be empathetic towards me. They will never know how much I value their love and all they do for me.

I was blaring show tunes on my errands before going to class yesterday. The song "Love Heals" from Rent came on and I listened to the words intently.

Love heals when pain's too much to bear

When you reach out your hand

And only wind is there

When life's unfair when things like us are not to be

Love heals when you feel so small

Like a grain of sand, like nothing at all

When you look out at the sea, that's where love will be

That's where you'll find me, you'll find me

If you fear the storm ahead, as you lie awake, lie awake in bed

And there's no one, no one there to stroke your hand

And your mind, your mind reels

If your face is salty wet and you're drowning in regret, just

Don't forget, don't forget

Don't forget, don't forget

Don't forget, don't forget

Don't forget, don't forget

Love heals

 RENT - Love Heals Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Love really is the key to depression. As the brother at church stated one of the best ways to keep Depression at bay is touch. The physical touch of one person to another. Weather it be a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, whatever it is, it may make a person's whole day. We just crave to be loved.

After I graduated, I felt so alone all the time. So, about 6 months after I graduated, I felt the love of someone that I had never thought I ever would. God, my Father in Heaven. a few months after, I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. After joining the church, I ended up coming off my medication and things started working out for me. The last three years have been a little bit harder. Dealing with relationships that were not meant to be, working, trying to get into school, promotions, all the things life brings to us, has been hard. Even now, when I have so much to by happy and grateful for, it's hard to be happy.

This was not meant to be a sob story, or to get attention, but to bring awareness. For those who struggle, I know, I understand. Please, if you EVER need a friend, I am always here. And for those who don't suffer, please, be kind and extra loving to those around you.

With Love <3

Crafty Orange

The Jingle of Change

Today, I went to church, not at my YSA ward or family ward, but to a friend's ward. Today he gave his homecoming talk in his family ward. It was very nice to see him again. I remember just before he left, I was at his house for his farewell. We talked a lot about change, mostly physical seeing as though he was just getting a beginners steps to physical wellness book published. Who knew what changes were going to happen for the two of us in those two years.

His talk today was all about change, which I found very fitting. I did not keep much contact with him while he was gone, but I could see and hear the change when he spoke. I knew when he left, he was a remarkable young man and he was an inspiration to me. Even with all the change the two of us have seen, he is still an inspiration to me.

Just in the two years that he has been gone, I have felt love, and seen it go. I have drawn closer to my Father in Heaven. I have forgiven, and I have grown. I have learned to trust again and most importantly, I have learned to love myself. I know I have faults and I know I have problems, but I know I can change. My friend stated today, words that rang very true to me. Change doesn't happen over night. You can't just want to change. It will happen, only when you have that drive, that desire, but also patience. We may not ever attain the change we wish to see in ourselves, but our whole purpose in life is to try.

I have been told often lately that people have noticed a change in me. It makes me so proud to hear that. I have been trying, and working, and struggling to better myself, to make me who God wants me to be. And I'm not done yet.

I have this things about talking on the phone. I wouldn't call it a fear, but it makes me very uncomfortable and my heart races when I do talk on the phone (with most people other than a few people). So, part of my drive to better myself, I decided to apply for an office position at my work. I knew at the time, I wasn't the best person for the job. However, I wanted to put myself out there and try it. I knew the phone thing was going to be a stumbling block for me, but it was something I wanted to get over. So I applied. I am so very grateful I did. I was blessed with the opportunity to have the position and I am loving every second of it. I can feel myself growing and changing. I am extremely grateful that I was given the position, and that they took the chance with me.

I feel a lot of my desire to change has stemmed from looking at photos of myself when I was younger. I had such sas, such confidence in who I was. Somewhere along the way of growing up, I lost that. I feel that I am starting to come back to that person I was. It has all happened with the support and guidance of so many wonderful and supportive people, one of who just came home from his mission. Though we didn't communicate much while he was gone, I would often catch myself thinking about him and would feed off of his strength thinking, "What would Elder _____ do?" Believe it or not, it helped me a lot.

Even though through my change, I have lost several friendships, I know I will always have a friend in this young man and his amazingly inspirational family. His mom was one of the Inspirational women I blogged about in one of my last entries. I know how much I have changed in the last two years, and my bad times, my downfalls, and my struggles have all been worth it.

So, I challenge each one of you who reads this to decide on doing something that makes you uncomfortable, and just do it. Talk to a stranger, tell that person how you feel, or whatever you choose, and tell me how it goes. I would love to hear about your experience. Get out there and do something new. I guarantee, you won't regret it.

Change is not sudden, it is gradual. It's like I hear often at work, if you are not continually progressing, you are regressing. You constantly need to me moving, working, and striving, weather it's a goal, a dream, a desire, or a need. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, because if you shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you will land amongst the stars. And what a wonderful place to be.

I love you and support you in any change.
<3 Crafty Orange

One Year of a Life Time

Today I celebrate 1 year with my boyfriend. So, in celebration, I have decided to write the story of our first year together.

We met in May of 2013, online. As most know, we are in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR). There are 2336 miles between us. I had joined a few dating websites, just out of pure curiosity. Every time I think about how we started talking, it makes me smile.

I had come across his profile and was intrigued that he was an EMT and volunteer firefighter. It helped that he was super cute and had a smile that was infectious. I sent him a flirt, but had long forgotten about it. I had one week left of my subscription and decided I would not renew it. I had some fairly creepy guys trying to talk to me. Ewwww! I was watching the little girl I took care of, at the time, when I got a notification. Someone had looked at my profile!

Excited, I went and looked at his profile. I had totally forgotten I had looked at his profile previously. While looking at his profile, I decided to send him a flirt. I went back to the main page and saw that I had received a flirt. It was from him! After a good laugh and a fluttering in my stomach, I decided to send a message.

I remember that night we were talking, I was busy helping make vests for a school version of Aladdin. He gave me his phone number, just before going to bed, this way we wouldn't have to hassle with the website. We talked and got to know each other for over a month before deciding to go out.

Our first date was a bit of a fail. We were trying to play games online, but my computer didn't like being online and running Skype at the same time. Plus, we both had to update our flash players. Story of my life.

Seeing as though my birthday is at the end of July, he sent me a few gifts. The box arrived about a week to a week and a half before my birthday. It drove me bonkers that I would have to wait. I received a bag of M&M's, a stuffed red panda, and a carousel horse necklace. It was more than I could have asked for. Now, what I did for his birthday in September, I couldn't tell you. I don't remember.

In August, I asked him to be my date to my bothers wedding (that December). He said yes. Excitement and nerves filled me for the next four months, knowing that we were going to meet for the first time!

So, December 18th, 2013, he took a long plane ride out to Arizona. It was one of the happiest days of my life to date. My little brother came with and managed to capture the minuets before we saw each other, the happy hug, and our first kiss on my phone. While here, we toured the fire fighter museum. It was like watching a kid in a candy store. Best $10 i have ever spent. I had fun watching him run around and take pictures, but especially enjoyed playing in the kids area together. Being in the bridal party, I didn't get much down time with him, except for in the evenings. We would cuddle on the hideaway bed, watching movies and falling asleep. It was really nice having him at the wedding. The photographer took a few really good shots of us. This one is my favorite one:

The hardest part was leaving the airport without him. When he broke off to go through security, he told me "It's not goodbye, just 'see you later'." It was so hard letting him go back home.

After a few very cold and snowey months, I came out and visited him. My work was closed for a week, so I took the opportunity to see him. This was my first (real) time on an airplane (6months old doesn't count). I was a little nervous, but keeping the end goal in mind helped the flight go by. Plus sleep helped.

It had snowed just days before I had arrived. Amazingly enough, the weather was wonderful for me while I was there. I had a wonderful time. We went shopping for a birthday gift for my nephew, he showed me around where he grew up, his work, his firehouse. I got to meet his parents and grandma, who just opened their arms and hearts to me. I also met some of his friends, who are very much like me, were very friendly, and play rummikub. Next time, I will win the rummikub match, not just the first round! We got to go visit Amish country as well. I was in awe.

Each day is a trial. I miss him every minuet of every day, but I believe every couple has a trial, and this is ours. God brought us together, knowing we needed each other. We both went through things that prep aired us for the day we would first meet. Or text.

He has been an inspiration, a shoulder to cry on, a cheer leader, understanding, and patient.  I love him with all my heart and hope to have many more years and experiences.

I love you sweetheart!

<3 Crafty Orange

500 Selfies to a New Me

I was unable to sleep last night and so, like a lot of people, I scrolled through Tumblr. I came across a post titled "How to feel better about yourself". There, it described 8 ways to help you, well, feel better about yourself. Number 7 hit me hard, and I've decided to go ahead and accept that challenge.

"7. Take pictures of yourself. Selfies are magnificent! Take 500! Take them everywhere! Find the good lighting! Pick your favorite one and realize what a wonderful work of art you are."  - Source

I have decided to take this post and turn it into a challenge. I am going to take one (or two) selfie(s) every day, all in different locations. I feel this will help me begin to feel better about myself, and get me to explore new places!

I will be going to all sorts of different places, so, if you have a restaurant or place you enjoy going, share! I would love to experience new places you love. Feel free to join me! All my posts will be on my Facebook, as well as my Instagram.

I can't wait to make new discoveries and memories! Join me!

<3 Crafty Orange

Powerful Women Who Inspire

Today is Mother's Day, a day for all of us to thank our mom's for being awesome and try to give them a "day off". This year, I have thought a lot about the women in my life, all the strong moms who inspire me. This one is for you.

This first mom I met in High School, and I didn't interact with her much then. It wasn't until I converted to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints that we really started talking. I went through a time that tested my faith. This mom helped me keep my head up and remind me of the path that God has in store for me. Her unshaken faith helped me find mine again. Just like the Mothers of the Stripling Warriors, her faith is a light that shines upon others.

The next mom is a younger mom, yet, she has so much experience. What I admire most about her is that she is a single, working mother of one, and started her own not-for-profit organization to help empower women. This mom encourages me to be or do whatever I want. She inspires me with her commitment to everything that she does, and still sets aside time to spend with her adorable son. When I see her, I see a bit of me, and I can see my potential. I look up to her as an amazing woman, a wonderful mother, and a terrific friend.

I saved the best for last.

I know that the last several years have been absolutely crazy for me and my family. Within the last 7 years my parents divorced, I lost the most important man of my life (at that point), my Grandpa, I was dealing with teenage things, we hit hard times, then my Grandma passed away, and so much more. Yet, through all of this, there was one person who was by my side and put herself aside to help me through it all, and that has been my mom. She is one of the strongest, bravest, and stubborn people I know. I know there have been times that we didn't see eye to eye, and she let me know. Yet, she still supported me and my decisions. I am so worried about being a good mother one day, but if I am half the mother mine is, I'll be alright. She has taught me so many valuable lessons that school just doesn't teach you. One of my favorite things she instilled upon us was the "what did you learn". I know personally, I can often times punish myself mentally for mistakes I make, so, instead of making a huge deal about a mistake we made as kids, mom would ask us "What did you learn?" It would then be followed by "Are you going to do it again?" I have taken this with me throughout my life. When I make a mistake or something doesn't go my way, I ask myself "what did you learn?" Instead of letting a mistake pull you down, learn from it, move on, and don't do it again.

My mom has been a constant companion, through thick and thin with me. She loves me, supports me, and still occasionally takes care of me when sick, not because she HAS TO because she is my mom, but  WANTS TO because she loves me unconditionally. She goes above and beyond the call of duty, for all 3 of us kids. I will never doubt her love for me.  She makes me so proud to be her daughter.

So, all you mothers, soon to be mothers, eventual mothers, and mother-like figures, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

<3 Crafty Orange

The Power of Prayer and Being Grateful for Trials

I have not written a blog post in quite some time. Quite a lot has happened in my life, though that is no excuse. In today, Sunday April 6th, listening to the morning session of the church's 184th General Conference, I was inspired to write a new post, to share my story, experience, and testimony.

Back in August 2012, I started dating a young man whose activity in the church was scarce. As time went on, his church activity became steadier and by the end of October, we were engaged. After becoming engaged, both of our church activity began to fade. I became extremely stressed, feeling like the weight of the world was placed on my shoulders and that there was no one that could help lift my burden. Then it happened.

I went to my mom's ward one day, after much pleading on her part. It was a fast and testimony Sunday in March of 2013. I remember zoning in and out, having been used to the Single Adults wards where sacrament was so quiet you could hear the sacrament cups drop. My attention snapped to the pulpit where the Bishop's two oldest daughters bore their testimonies.

The older one, having only been about ten years old, never have I heard such touching testimonies. The youngest, having recently been baptized, spoke of her experience in the Temple, and how grateful that she had parents who loved her enough to teach her about the Temple and it's importance to their family. It was in that moment, out of the mouth of an 8 year old, that I realized that I was on the wrong path.

Just a few months earlier, I had met someone in my ward who had also been engaged. We had become friends with the idea of planning our weddings together. Shortly after, she had realized that her relationship was not going in the direction that she needed to go. Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways because after that Fast and Testimony meeting, I quickly set up a time to sit with my friend and discuss why it was that she had called of her engagement.

Though this time was taken at a local McDonalds, it was one of the most important and most memorable McDonalds trips ever. After our discussion, I met up with my then fiancé and had a heart-to heart- with him. There was no doubt in my mind that I did love him. However, we were making each other become people we really weren't. The quote "If you love something, let it go" holds very true for the situation I was in. He told me that he could not promise me a Temple marriage, something that he knew from the beginning that I wanted, and eventually had lost sight of. So, we parted ways, so that we could each find someone who we could be ourselves with.

Now, I'm not writing this to get sympathy or as a "woe is me", but hopefully as a tool.

I was devastated with my decision, but knew it was the right thing to do. Each and every day, I prayed to God, thanking Him. Not that I was grateful to be out of the relationship, but grateful to have had the Holy Spirit come to me and tell me I was not on the correct path; that I was grateful for this trial. I remember praying "Thank thee, for this trial. Though I am in much pain, and sorrow, and I'm not sure why, I am grateful for this. Please help me through this."

In today's morning session of General Conference, many spoke of our trials. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf stated "Faith looks beyond the trials of today." I knew that eventually, the pain would fade, and I would be stronger because of this trial. One of the other Elders of the Church sated that though the trial, we need to pray to learn and grow from it, rather than wishing it was over. I can testify of this truth.

I prayed fervently with "a broken heart and contrite spirit" every day, hoping to learn, grow, and to have peace through this trial. I had learned a lot, such as who my real friends were, who I am and how God listens and answers our prayers. I knew the healing process was going to take time, but with help from my Brother, Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father, the process was much faster than I had expected.

The date that was supposed to be our wedding date came, and I had arranged for a group of friends to go out dancing. By the end of the night, I had been given the strength and healing I had been praying for. I knew that I could be sad and let it pull be down, and my life would go on without me. Or, I could get up, dust myself off and keep going with my life. I had chosen the latter.

About a month later, I met my boyfriend, who had his own trial in love. I don't know about his side of the story, but for me, I believe he was my blessing from God for sticking to my faith and listening to His guidance. We celebrated our 9 month anniversary yesterday, and I am so very grateful, not only for his presence in my life, but for the testimony of that little 8 year old girl that changed my life forever.

God hears our prayers and though, things don't always turn out the way we expect them too, he knows what is best for us. And even when we are so far off the path, that we are lost, he will still send help, to bring you back onto the path back to Him.

I testify that he loves me, and he loves you, no matter how far off the path you are. His love is unconditional.

He helped me through my hardest trial to date, let Him help you.

<3 Crafty Orange (A Daughter of a King)

Craft Stick Nativity

'Tis the Season for Crafting! It's been too long since I made a post, but this one, I had to share.

This Monday, I am in charge of the activity for a milti-family FHE. I found this project on Pinterest, but when I went to the page, there were no directions. It's a fairly self-explanitory craft, but I thought I would break down how I did it.

This is the finished product (the first one I did)

Here's what you will need:

• 6 1/2 -7 Jumbo Crafting sticks
• Glue *
• Markers
• 1/2 Gold tinsel pipe cleaner

*I used Tacky glue and it worked very well you could use Hot glue if you want

**I used Crayola washable markers Blue- Mary Orange-Joseph Yellow-Jesus and the angel I taped white paper because I didn't have a white maker.

Step One:  Take 3-4 of the sticks and cut them in half. It's alright if they are not even, I found it good to make everyone a different size. One of these sets will be the sides of the nativity though. One of the halves, cut fairly short and color with a brown marker, this will later be the manger.

Step Two: Take two of the whole sticks and cross them, one on top of the other, close to one end and glue. Leave enough space on the top for the angel to sit. This will also make the roof less pointed to fir the bottom portion. Then take one whole stick and two of the halves you cut and glue them on the ends. When both parts are dry, glue the small sticks to the roof. There you have your building.

Step Three: Color each person as you wish. When you get to the angel, take your 1/2 gold pipe cleaner and hold one end about halfway at the back, then fold the long part around the front and around to the back. Once it meets the short end, twist it around, like a bread bag tie. After that, bring it up so the long extra is pointing straight from the angel's head. just above the head, bend the wire to one side a few centimeters  then bend it the other direction. Depending how much you have left, you can bend it into the halo or cut it off. Add a dab of glue to the back of the head to immobilize the halo.

Step Four: Glue the cut brown piece in half length wise and glue it to the front to make the manger. Then glue each person in. I glued Mary and Joseph in at an angle so they are looking over him.

Once everything is dry, You have a cute little nativity to share!

This was the second one I made. I hope you all enjoy the holidays and spread happiness.

<3 Crafty Orange