He described Depression as the base line of your day being sad, or upset. Sometimes it's just one day, sometimes, it's weeks. And you can feel it. It's like one of our every lovely Monsoons, you can see it before it comes. When it hits, it hits hard.
I have been struggling this last month with the onset of a bout of Depression. I haven't had any problems with it since high school. I was diagnosed at the age of 10 with depression after telling my mom that I wanted to kill my self. I have been dealing with this burden for over 13 years. Some days are better than others, but I hardly ever have any consecutive good days. While in high school I was on medication and was also diagnosed as bi-polar. My Junior year, November of 2008, I was hospitalized for about a week for suicide watch. The week I spent isolated from my life was a very enlightening experience, but there were so many repercussions.
After spending a whole week, seeing no more than 20 people in a room at any point in time, adjusting back to life was hard. At school, in between classes, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of people. Not only was adjusting to large groups of people difficult, but that was not the hardest part. While in the hospital, I had regular appointments with the on duty Psychologist. Every once in a while, we would have a guest member of my life come in and we would talk, the three of us. The one I remember most, that plays in my head every day still, is the one where it was said, "My life would be perfect if it weren't for Erin."
High school was easily the worst years of my life. Not for the same usual reasons, but because of all the weight I carried for those four years. My grandfather, the best man I knew, passed away between my Freshman and Sophomore year. My Grandma passed away just about a month before I graduated. My cat of many years, who helped me through so much, passed the day I graduated. Not to mention struggling with feeling worthless while trying to maintain a good GPA, losing friends, and so on.
When I was diagnosed as Bi-polar, I was in denial. Thinking that only crazy people are bi-polar and that I was not crazy. A few weeks back I red an article about depression. In it it had a bit of history of the illness in it. It spoke about how "Manic Depression" was renamed to bi-polar. As I read, I started to learn that Bi-polar is not where you have split personalities and are jumping back and forth. What it really is is when you can go from feeling on top of a mountain, to feeling like you need to be in a hole in just a matter of moments. So, being Bi-polar just means I am a very emotional person.
With this being said, it takes a lot of patience to love me. I am very grateful to be blessed with a choice few who have the patience and understanding to give me the love and time that I need. I am so very blessed to have a fiance who is extremely patient with me, and luckily for me, is as stubborn as I am. Several of those who I hold close to me understand what it feels like, and are able to be empathetic towards me. They will never know how much I value their love and all they do for me.
I was blaring show tunes on my errands before going to class yesterday. The song "Love Heals" from Rent came on and I listened to the words intently.
Love heals when pain's too much to bear
When you reach out your hand
And only wind is there
When life's unfair when things like us are not to be
Love heals when you feel so small
Like a grain of sand, like nothing at all
When you look out at the sea, that's where love will be
That's where you'll find me, you'll find me
If you fear the storm ahead, as you lie awake, lie awake in bed
And there's no one, no one there to stroke your hand
And your mind, your mind reels
If your face is salty wet and you're drowning in regret, just
Don't forget, don't forget
Don't forget, don't forget
Don't forget, don't forget
Don't forget, don't forget
Love heals
Love really is the key to depression. As the brother at church stated one of the best ways to keep Depression at bay is touch. The physical touch of one person to another. Weather it be a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, whatever it is, it may make a person's whole day. We just crave to be loved.
After I graduated, I felt so alone all the time. So, about 6 months after I graduated, I felt the love of someone that I had never thought I ever would. God, my Father in Heaven. a few months after, I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. After joining the church, I ended up coming off my medication and things started working out for me. The last three years have been a little bit harder. Dealing with relationships that were not meant to be, working, trying to get into school, promotions, all the things life brings to us, has been hard. Even now, when I have so much to by happy and grateful for, it's hard to be happy.
This was not meant to be a sob story, or to get attention, but to bring awareness. For those who struggle, I know, I understand. Please, if you EVER need a friend, I am always here. And for those who don't suffer, please, be kind and extra loving to those around you.
With Love <3
Crafty Orange
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